Counselling

Divorce in Virginia (continued)
(go to beginning)

COUNSELING

As you can probably tell from other sections of this text, we are big fans of counseling. We have no relationship with any particular counselor, and make no referral to any particular counsellor. We feel strongly that they are helpful in the domestic relations field and highly commend them to you. They can do, and seem to do, good work, in enabling you to answer the "ultimate" question of "should I stay or should I leave?" which an attorney really cannot.

The proof of the success of domestic relations counselling is partly in the sheer numbers of counselors in the yellow pages. If they weren't successful at what they do, they wouldn't be making money, and there would be fewer of them. But there are lots of them.

The other "proof" that counseling works is anecdotal. The stories our clients report back to us about how they felt after having had a chance to unload their burdens on a professional who understands the process of recovery after a death (and, yes, the end of a marriage is very much like a death) convinces us that conseling is a necessary adjunct to a successful ending of a marriage..

Note that "marriage counselling" was not the term selected in the above two paragraphs. Just "counselling." It is the process of two people (or only one if the other will not participate) sharing thoughts with an impartial third party that is the experience. If, as a result of counselling, the couple reconciles, that is wonderful. But if, as a result of counselling, the couple decides that a divorce in their best interest, well it may not be quite as good, but it is a good thing nevertheless. Follow me here:

Maxim:It is perfectly okay for two people not to able to live with one another.

Discussion:If everyone could live with everyone else, this would be a mighty boring world. Our differences make the world go round. We need Democrats and Republicans arguing with one another by day, so long as they can bend an elbow (or, if married, go to bed with each other) at night.

It is not always necessary for someone always to be 'at fault.' Just becasue a marriage breaks up, it does not mean that one person was the "good guy" and the other "bad." Both parties can be quite reasonable in their positions, but just cannot live with one another. It is okay that one party in a relationship likes to party and the other to stay home, for one party to like to bowl and the other not, for one to be liberal and the other conservative, etc. But when the differences have become too great and one party leaves, but without fully sharing the reason therefore in a controlled environment, the party who remains internalizes all of the guilt, is deprived of the opportunity to learn from the exprerience, and is left less than whole. Both parties should be able to go on with life feeling that he/she is a whole person.

People can divorce and still remain friends, even close ones:

My "dream" divorce (if such can be so described) is when, at the conclusion of the depositions, one party says (and sincerely means it) the following to the other: "I wish you only the best in your life, I hope that we can remain friends and that you will invite me to your wedding." (This was actually spoken from a husband to a wife, both of whom were great friends before they were married, became quite miserable with one another in wedlock, and found true happiness again when separated. With some, the chemistry is bad when married.)

It is important that you leave your spouse feeing like a whole person: Remember when you went off to college, or the Army or into the world for the first time on your own. You were going somewhere, and the separation from your folks was not so traumatic--to you. But your parents (probably) were devastated. You were leaving them with a big whole in their lifes. But that is a natural thing, they should be happy for your successes, and they will get over it (at least most do.) Now imagine if you just ran away from home, no good-byes and no explanations. Would they likey get over that? Probably not, and neither will your spouse. Closure is mandatory to allow the "left" spouse to understand what has happened and why, and counselling is an appropriate path leading to this 'closure'.

A true story (except the names) about another reason we like counselling:

Mary came into the office very distressed and worried. She had suffered a debilitating on-the-job back injury some 10 years ago. She was hospitalized several times and underwent numerous surgeries, physical therapy sessions, and suffered constant pain. She was confined to bed for many hours of the day, and housework caused her real anguish. Her husband, Charles, would come home from his full time job to undertake the household chores. X-ray after x-ray showed a continuing degeneration of Mary's spinal column, and it looked like the injury would be permanent and total, despite the doctor's best efforts. Mary was tired. Charles was tired. They began to argue a lot. Charles began staying out more, and doing less at home. Mary was left alone more and more and without assistance from her husband for things she really needed him for (which was just about everything).

Who is the victim here? Well, asked in the singular, clearly it was Mary. After all, she had the physical and very visible injury. The husband was perfectly healthy and fit as a fiddle. And that is the way they conducted their very unhappy lives together: Mary was very ill and Charles was very healthy. The neighbors always asked "How's Mary?", never "How are you doing, Charlie?" The husband feeling morally bound to "stick with his wife," grew more depressed by the day. What could he do? Complain? Not too socially acceptable is it?

When she could no longer stand the lack of attention paid to her by her husband (which had recently deteriorated into angry outbursts which made her fear for her safety), Mary managed to get herself to my office for a meeting. She related the above and told about how Charles had becoming impossible to live with. She wanted a divorce from this bitter man. He was not the same man she had married. I asked her who is the victim in this story? And she of course responded as I expected. I asked her if he was the same woman he had married, and she said, "except for the injury, yes." But then she began talking, and listening to herself. She said she realized that Charles in fact was no longer married to the woman that he had married either. But, Charlie still had his health, didn't he? Well, no he can't do anything with his good health and remain a faithful husband, but at least he wasn't in constant pain, well at least not physical pain. And then she saw it and started to cry.
What Mary and Charles both failed to realize is that the original relationship had died. A new relationship that neither of them had bargained for had taken its place. Both parties were victims, both parties were injured and both parties were in constant pain. Neither party was able to see it for a long time, but it was as clear as day when they finally started talking about it with a counselor. The couple got divorced anyway after many months of successful counseling work, But the relationship, even after the divorce, was strong. Counseling was the answer.

The above example is severe. Nevertheless, It does exemplify what happens in every divorce and in a certain sense, the process of the breakup which leads to every divorce. Something has died, and the parties either fail to recognize it or fail to deal with it. Counseling helps parties to do both, in a structured, workable fashion.

Counseling can be entered into with reconciliation in mind, with divorce in mind, or with nothing particular in mind other than to learn more about each other and about one's self. If the counselor won't let you set the goals, find another one.

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